It's Been A While

Life has changed so much. I feel like everytime I turn around change is rushing at us. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. We are moving to glendal at the moment. Moving has been slow, but we are almost there. Our current neighborhood is not so friendly. Gang fights in the front yard and shootings in the night. It has not been a pleasant experience, but hopefully our new home will prove to be much safer and nurturing. We decided to move into an apartment. It's been a pretty big move considering we are leaving a 4 bedroom house for a two bedroom apartment. John will be moving out in August so for the summer it will be a little crowded, but I think for a couple months it will be ok. I'm really looking forward to it. We have a pool and a pretty nice gym along with very inexpensive rent. Thats the best part. We will finally be able to save. I never realized how hard things were but now seeing how easy things will be it makes me feel more relaxed. Just knowing if something happens we can back it up is a nice new idea

Jobs are changing for me as well. I now have a nursing license and am pursuing a job taking care of others. I'm only an LPN, but I am still continuing to my RN then BSN. Things will get easier and easier with more education. I am hoping that after I get my RN I can work toward the experience I need to become a nurse Anesthesis. I would love to work in surgery. The pay isn't bad either. I would just love to be able to take care of my family and allow Dan to persue his ministry dreams.

Someday he is going to make a great pastor. We both have alot of growing to do and he has alot of learning to gain more knowledge of Biblical things, but it's an exciting prospect. Mikayla and Cela are getting bigger and smarter every day. Cela watches Mikayla and just imitates whatever she sees. It's pretty amazing to see how advanced she is. Mikayla's vocabulary and grammar are getting better and better and her motor skills are crazy. She can even use a bo-staff the way she is supposed to with tricks.I love my girls, they are amazing little kids, although they can still be frustrating. Dan has just been amazing too. He is so supportive. Sometimes I think hes the only constant in my life, besides God of course. I am so blessed to have such a loving family.

Thank you God for such a wonderful family.

Day 2

Today was a good day for working out. I woke up at 5:45 to do P90X plyometrics and then did 20 minutes of cardio on the elliptical when I got home. I'm so proud of myself, I've been burning calories and eating right.

Breakfast: chocolate and peanutbutter protein shake
Lunch: Subway breakfast egg white sandwich stacked with veggies
Dinner: Small piece of steak and squash

I'm really excited about getting my body back the way it was. I have felt so self conscience since I had Mikayla. I look at my husband and I feel like I should look better for him. I don't want to be one of thoes people that just wishes and never does. I want to accomplish my goals and be the person I want to be. This is just the beginning. I feel a change in myself already as odd as that may seem, but it just feels like change is just in reach. Usually I feel pretty hopeless and jelous of the past me who could wear a size 4. Now I feel like I can do anything as long as I keep reaching and pushing myself.

Who I am

God has shown me that I just need to keep trusting in him. He is the foundation for everything I am. Nothing and no one can stand in the way of what he has created me to be. I'm a child of God and I'm proud to stand and say thank you to the one true God who has taken care of me when I needed him most and held me so many times when I have felt betrayed and unwanted. He is a just and loving God and I stand in awe of the beauty he has created and the light that has overcome the darkness in this messed up world. Thank you Lord for helping me see you for all that you are and nothing less.

our family

I want to go somewhere and start new. Someplace where no one knows our name and we can make a new home. I get so tired of life here in Arizona. I want to go travel the world and take my family along for the ride. Mikayla could learn so much. Shes already so smart. The other night she sang all the way through the alphabet and she can already count to ten! Shes such a smart two year old. I can't wait to teach her how to read and write. She makes me want to provide a better life for her and our family. Right now shes in a dance class. She did so well listening to the teacher and following instructions. She played freeze dance and froze every time the music stopped, I'm so excited for her to be able to function in a class. Now if we could just get her potty trained :) Cela is coming a long way too. She tries to crawl and can scoot backwards. She smiles so much. It reminds me of Cela Murillo. Shes always smiling just like Cela used to.

Please pray for Dan, hes having a really hard time with the karate school. Customers and just the stress of running everything is really getting to him. He gets really down and even has dreams about something going wrong at karate every night. Please pray that God would change our situation and bring him to a place where he enjoys life and isn't so stressed.

God Please show us what you want for our family. Where to live and what Dan should do. PLease help me through school and continue to protect our girls. Please help us to find some really good teachers that will make the karate school a better place for the kids to learn. Amen

My family

Lately things have been pretty crazy. Dan has summer camp and regular karate so I don't get to see him very much. It really stinks, he has to work all day. I've been going in to talk to new people now and then, but I miss seeing my husband. I really wish that he could have a normal job and come home in the evening. It would be so much better fo our family to be free from stress. Mikayla rarely gets to see him. Maybe in the morning if she wakes up when he does. I know it's just during the summer time, but I can't help but wish we had a different life. (work wise) My girls are both doing great. Mikayla is getting plenty of play time with th grandmas and Cela is good at being cute :). I love my family. Can't wait till the weekend so we can all spend some time together.

.....

I feel depressed. I feel like it will be so long till we can live a life we want to live. I feel stuck. I love my family and I wouldn't change it for anything, but our "situation" gets me down sometimes. I hate that we never know exactly how much we will make and we only know round about when we will get our money. It's hard to have all the financial burden. I feel like if for some reason we can't pay something it is my fault and only mine. I'm not saying we can't pay our bills right now, but I feel so much stress.
On top of that I feel like I'll never be a nurse and it's only a distant desire. It seems like everything takes so long and schools just want to charge you an arm and a leg for classes you don't need just to tranfer from a cheaper program.
Every RN-BSN program I have looked at is an online course and online is so hard for me. I wish someone would just have an in class program. I don't understand why I can't just finish my degree with people that are going straight with no experience to BSN. How come they get to go to class and learn?
I guess I just feel like my family is the only good thing going for me right now and being pregnant has left me tired and without energy. I just wish that I could feel at peace about my life. Is it wrong to want more? Not only for myself, but my family.
Dan wants to go back to school to get a degree in the health field. I want him to. I don't want to stand in the way of any of his dreams or desires. I want him to be happy. Sometimes people at karate really get him upset, I wish I had the type of personality where I could make him feel happy again and laugh, but unfortunately I'm not blessed with humor.
I just feel so lost. I know who I am and I know who I want to be I just feel as if I can't get there. Like something has bound me and locked me up in attempt to take any joy away. I just don't understand. How did I get here? How can I get free? I want to be a postive person and be a good wife and mother. Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough at that either. I don't know what has happened to me. Like I said before I love my family I just feel situational depression and I don't know how to change it.

God, please turn me into the person you want me to be. The person that can find joy in the people around that love and support me and the little things that I can see you doing. Please God, bring dan and I both a peace about our future careers and future in general. Help me to love my family more and moreeach day in a way that they can see that I care. Help me to be more like you.

There is something wrong with this world.

I went to check our account today and found that it was alot lower than I thought it should be. I was thinking, how could we spend that much money this weekend?! Well, we didn't. Some person in washington stole Dan's card number and paid their $311 phone bill along with some other expensive restraunts! The bank told me I would get the money back after it posts, but it's still frustrating. The guy said that they take the loss and don't prosecute, but I don't want whoever did this to do it to someone else. They said I could take it to the police and they would take care of that so as soon as it posts this guy gonna know he shouldn't steal. I feel like it's my duty to report it. I mean, how many other people have they done this to and how many more people will be stolen from. We were just lucky that we just got payed otherwise we would have been in alot of trouble financially. I can't imagine how hard it would have been on the average person. there is just something wrong with this world.