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I feel depressed. I feel like it will be so long till we can live a life we want to live. I feel stuck. I love my family and I wouldn't change it for anything, but our "situation" gets me down sometimes. I hate that we never know exactly how much we will make and we only know round about when we will get our money. It's hard to have all the financial burden. I feel like if for some reason we can't pay something it is my fault and only mine. I'm not saying we can't pay our bills right now, but I feel so much stress.
On top of that I feel like I'll never be a nurse and it's only a distant desire. It seems like everything takes so long and schools just want to charge you an arm and a leg for classes you don't need just to tranfer from a cheaper program.
Every RN-BSN program I have looked at is an online course and online is so hard for me. I wish someone would just have an in class program. I don't understand why I can't just finish my degree with people that are going straight with no experience to BSN. How come they get to go to class and learn?
I guess I just feel like my family is the only good thing going for me right now and being pregnant has left me tired and without energy. I just wish that I could feel at peace about my life. Is it wrong to want more? Not only for myself, but my family.
Dan wants to go back to school to get a degree in the health field. I want him to. I don't want to stand in the way of any of his dreams or desires. I want him to be happy. Sometimes people at karate really get him upset, I wish I had the type of personality where I could make him feel happy again and laugh, but unfortunately I'm not blessed with humor.
I just feel so lost. I know who I am and I know who I want to be I just feel as if I can't get there. Like something has bound me and locked me up in attempt to take any joy away. I just don't understand. How did I get here? How can I get free? I want to be a postive person and be a good wife and mother. Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough at that either. I don't know what has happened to me. Like I said before I love my family I just feel situational depression and I don't know how to change it.

God, please turn me into the person you want me to be. The person that can find joy in the people around that love and support me and the little things that I can see you doing. Please God, bring dan and I both a peace about our future careers and future in general. Help me to love my family more and moreeach day in a way that they can see that I care. Help me to be more like you.

There is something wrong with this world.

I went to check our account today and found that it was alot lower than I thought it should be. I was thinking, how could we spend that much money this weekend?! Well, we didn't. Some person in washington stole Dan's card number and paid their $311 phone bill along with some other expensive restraunts! The bank told me I would get the money back after it posts, but it's still frustrating. The guy said that they take the loss and don't prosecute, but I don't want whoever did this to do it to someone else. They said I could take it to the police and they would take care of that so as soon as it posts this guy gonna know he shouldn't steal. I feel like it's my duty to report it. I mean, how many other people have they done this to and how many more people will be stolen from. We were just lucky that we just got payed otherwise we would have been in alot of trouble financially. I can't imagine how hard it would have been on the average person. there is just something wrong with this world.

Missing my Cela

A piece of my heart is missing. One of my best friends passed away almost a week ago. I loved her so much. I just wish that I would have been there in the hospital with her to say goodbye. I've been thinking about her alot. Crying and laughing through every memory. She was my Cela. I miss dancing with her and just being goofy. One time when were in JFK airport I was dancing and singing to her. She loved Moulin Rouge so we were singing the all you need is love song and dancing in the middle of the terminal. She was so embarrassed, but we both had fun. She was such a wonderful person.
I found one of her letters the other day. I'm so glad I keep stuff like that. In the letter she was talking about how she had finally been given eye drops to releave the redness and swelling she was having. afterwards she told me how God is so awesome and how she thought that God was just testing her faith with every challenge. Then she went on to talk about how woderful Gods love is. She had so much faith and love.
In high school I felt so alone in my faith. None of the people in the youth were ever really happy to see me, but Cela was there smiling and saving a seat for me every week. I looked up to her so much, she was such a blessing in my life.
I know she is with Jesus, but I still can't help missing her. I'll always remember what a beautiful person she was and I look forward to seeing her again someday.